Lins Fire Brand

Lins Fire Brand

Sunday, January 26, 2014


This is Lin Holmes, intrepid reporter and documenter of the current unrest as presented by the Top Ten P&E Award winning book, 

LOVE POTION #9.5 by Multi-Award Winning Author KAT HOLMES.

I'm here in Fairyville at the behest of Matilda Hookenbeak, one of the more aged  witches living in this thriving land of what some might call...excesses!

Matilda has asked me to visit so she can share her side of the GREAT GAS OUT epidemic forcing many a Fairyville family to sleep in separate settings...most out under the far more forgiving light of the stars...again tonight.

Lin: Matilda, why did you want me to come here?

Matilda: I know what everyone is saying...that I'm getting too senile to be a practicing member of my witchly skills because...well they all think I suffer from a bit of witchy pms that some DARE to call Witch Syndrome! The nerve! Well the truth is I really DON'T have Witch Syndrome. I mean, seriously can you picture me, or any intelligent witch O-D-ing on eye of newt steroids? Eye of newt is a precious commodity for us witches. It's a very important element in about 90% of our introducing syndrome inducing steroids into our eye of newt compounds would never happen!

Lin: Do you deny you let a spell loose that has sent half of the Fairyville population into fits of uncontrolled eruptions of...the polite word is 'flatulance', but the word I'm hearing around town, mostly, is FARTS!

Matilda: (sighing) No. I'm to blame, just not for the reasons they're blaming me. I admit I'm old. Once you've reached 450 it's hard to deny being old, but the world thinks it's all downhill from 450 on. Okay, I have to agree there are times even I have trouble refuting the possibility I may be...a tad forgetful....but that's NOT what happened this time. I really need to clear my name before I get a reputation!

Lin: Don't you already have a reputation?

Matilda: (sighing once more) Yes. They think I'm terribly forgetful. If I speak a spell, they think I'm too far cooked on my alleged newt steroid addiction for my brain to function or remember how to undo it.

Lin: Isn't that true?

Matilda: (frowning) Maybe SOME of the time I'm forgetful...I have a lot of things on my mind...but not this time! You have to promise me to the get the word OUT! I know my fellow Fairyvillians are all but offering Potion Mistress Lucy Mixernight their first or even tenth born sons if she'll find a potion that will undo their chronic gas bombings, but she's looking for something that'll undo newt steroid dementia, and that's NOT how the problem came about.

Lin: Okay Matilda, here's your opportunity to set the record straight. How did you turn Fairyville's populace into a hoard of exploding gasbags?

Matilda: I tripped. No really, I did. I tripped over a dancing toad. I swear I'm telling the truth. My cousin, Winifred Snodwiper charmed this ugly toad. Winnie was hoping to make him into a handsome prince who'd cart her off to his swamp castle and have his delicious way with her. But instead of making him handsome, HER spell backfired turning him into a dancing amphibian with two left tadpoles for feet. He began dancing...all the way down there...and of course I didn't see the annoying fandangler until I tripped over him letting loose a curse...okay not a very nice curse WORD, but you try being over 500 years young tripping over a tap dancing toad and see what word comes out of YOUR mouth!

Lin: So Fairyville is farting because you bellowed a less than Ladylike curse word?

Matilda: I swear it's the truth! Promise me you'll tell Lucy Mixernight what really happened. No amount of countering newt steroids is going to help. She needs to work on an elixir that will counter one bad word...a word that ISN'T really a spell...just sort of self perpetuating!

Lin: So there you have it, World, and right from the witch's mouth...both the mouth that uttered the bad word, and the one now explaining it.

(Turning towards the eye of the recording Crow's eye)

Well Lucy Mixernight I must ask...have you checked into an antidote for the side-effects of a witch uttering the word 'SHIT' at the top of her lungs?

(Turning back to face the aged witch.)

Thanks Matilda for your time and desire to set the records straight.

This is Lin Holmes coming to you live from Fairyville with the key, hopefully, to the latest epidemic mayhem happening here to  the merry...mostly...inhabitants of Fairyville. Will it work?